you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize