I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Someone shit on the floor
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
