2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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