Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
