I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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