woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
you never un-have a 4some
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
