What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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