If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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