never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm at about main and main street
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
