The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
