Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
