dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize