i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize