i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
