i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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