I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
