Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
zippers are such a cool invention
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
