Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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