did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
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