I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
