do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We had sex on a dog bed..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
