In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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