Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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