She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
