she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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