she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
