Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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