did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
