I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
