I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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