you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
