So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
