you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
