Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
