party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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