If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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