What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
