Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
