dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there's paper in my vomit.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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