A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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