Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize