apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
