we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize