There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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