The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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