Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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