God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
