were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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