Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
