If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
