last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
