Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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