so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
