Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
