we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
