I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My balls are so social today.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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