do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
