I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
